Weighty Lessons

So I realized a couple weeks ago if I could just lose 2 to 3 lbs a week in a year I'd be at my goal weight. Since then I've lost about 5 lbs.

I think one of the things that has helped me is instead of beating myself up every day about how bad I look, how awful I feel is to find something to be GRATEFUL about in regards to the weight. And not things like "I am glad I am not any bigger" --

One of my first lessons..

1. More compassion, less judging..... I think when you struggle with your own weight you can fall into a trap where not only are you harsh with yourself but inwardly you are harsh with others... Maybe that isn't true but I feel like I am being judged whenever I meet someone new. I am grateful I am this obese because it helps me work harder to make others feel comfortable when I meet them. I am also retraining myself to think forward.. not back. Today is where the struggle is - yesterday is gone and tomorrow isn't here yet...

Over the Hump!!

So I am thrilled with last week's weight loss -- 6.6 pounds!!! Its more than I have lost all month! Its like something finally kicked in after several weeks of trying and my body agreed "HEY its ok to let some of this dead weight go!"..... The ironic thing is this is week 12, and that means I've lost a total of 12 lbs... granted its been up and down, but the overall bottom line is I am 12 lbs lighter.

And while I am not thrilled about it averaging out to 1 lb a week I am VERY encouraged that I think I've finally caught on to what helps my body lose... what did I do all that different this past week?

1) I actually stuck with the program - was honest with myself about what and how much I was eating on every day...

2) I saved all my "extra" points for one big splurge night -- literally on Friday night I had six (6) pieces of Pizza Hut pizza (not at one sitting, 3 at one time, then 3 several hours later) and TWO regular Sam Adams Cherry Wheat beers..... and because I had 'budgeted' for them I wasn't cheating.... and I think it kept my body from going into 'famine' mode...

3) I exercised when I could, even if it was only for a few minutes instead of the 2 hours I really wanted..

But overall the biggest thing? SLEEP -- more of it. I think that makes a HUGE difference... I really do!

Mirror Reflections

Today at the gym I finally broke 20:00 for a mile... woo hoo, who knew I'd ever be celebrating finally being able to walk faster than 3 miles per hour?!! Its true though... its taken me a couple months!

I am still dealing with scar tissue, adhesions from the C-section and can't lift heavy weights yet.. ...

Even though I am doing weight watchers and working hard to regain my fitness I still can't stand how I look in the mirror... and I think it takes TREMENDOUS courage to just walk in a gym when you feel like you don't belong with all the other really skinny people who are there.

I was able to wax my floors at home on my hands and knees and do housework. I am able to stay awake till 9:00 PM - sometimes later now.

I know mentally half the battle is not caring what anyone but yourself thinks... but what if myself isn't sure I can do this???

I am able to carry my 15 lb+ son around without my back and arms aching.

SO I know this is only one sta

The Most Powerful Weight Loss Drug I Know..

I lost weight this week, and it was intoxicating.. but I think the ironic thing was I knew before stepping on the scales that I had because I could feel the difference.

At the potluck church dinner on Sunday I surveyed the desserts and realized none of them appealed to me... then the shocking thought came to me that there wasn't any dessert I was craving.... ( It was Mother's Day after all, and I like sweets!!)

After last week's post I realized that so much of what I was saying I needed to internalize on a more consistent basis, and something clicked.

It really is the hopelessness and despair of the effort of trying to lose weight that makes it so hard.

I think the most powerful weight loss drug out there is hope. Not hope in the "I hope I win a million dollars" kind of hope -- but the hope that comes when you realize something isn't impossible, the hope that buoys you up, the kind of hope folks talk about in the noun sense of the word not the verb..... "It gave me great hope for our future" kind of hope.

Then suddenly the issue of weight loss doesn't become about IF, it becomes about WHEN... and HOW..... and that's a major major difference...

I am not doubting IF I can lose the weight, I know by God's grace, I will, now its just a matter of remembering that on the rough days..

Self Talk Conversations..(and Arguments)

I have recently had some mental arguments where the emotional part of my brain is somehow overriding the rational part of my brain... I thought maybe writing out the conversation would be either helpful, or result in me being committed....that is committed to this effort.

Emotion: "Weight Watchers is just a way to SAY you are losing weight when really you just eat whatever you want, and you aren't going to lose, just play around with the same few pounds. Its a lot of work and mental anguish for nothing. You could count calories without paying them monthly and alternating between tracking every calorie and choosing to not think about any calories!"

Ration: "So there have been a few days when I didn't keep track. The only thing people are ever glad they quit is smoking. No one ever says ' Oh I wish I hadn't saved so much money, it wasn't worth the effort -- or I wish I had quit dieting a long time ago. I was so much happier when I weighed 80 lbs more and I hate being thin.." -- No one ever says that. Looking for results in the short term only short circuits motivation. A year from now, two years from now - even THREE years from now, no matter how slow the weight comes off, its still better than giving up and giving in."

Emotion: "Everyone else at this Y (gym) is in better shape than me. I am probably their motivation to keep going so they won't look like me. Its humiliating and embarrassing to be this big and this slow and this out of shape. It doesn't even feel like I am making any progress, or getting in shape. Its been a couple months and there really hasn't been any noticeable change. Doesn't doing laundry count as both weight lifting and aerobic workout?"

Ration: "Two months ago I couldn't run up and down the stairs without getting winded. Now I can. Two months ago, just doing 30 minutes of gentle water aerobics made me sore. Now I can lift weights, swim, do water jogging, and not even feel it the next day. Two months ago my heart and lungs were battling the effects of medically required bed rest -- now they are thanking me for slowly, gently, but consistently rebuilding endurance, strength, flexibility, and speed. No, the changes are NOT outward YET -- but if I quit now, they never will be noticed outward. If I keep going and keep showing up, maybe I'll go from being an inspiration for people to keep going to being an inspiration for people not to quit... (there IS a difference in those two -- the first is one of dread, and the second is of hope...) Two years from now I'll be faster and stronger and really really glad I didn't quit now."

Emotion: " I can't stand how I look. I don't like the way I am right now. I can't stand how my body feels, that it won't go the way it used to, won't perform what I ask it to do when I ask it to, as quickly as I want it to...It doesn't seem to matter when I do eat right and work out - there is no difference in how I look. I hate feeling deprived. Life is short. I don't want to not eat desserts when everyone else is... food is a predictable comfort, and one of the few easy ones to have. If I am going to look this bad at least I should be allowed to eat what I want... why look miserable, feel miserable and be miserable all at the same time?"

Ration: "I have a lot to be thankful for -- a beautiful and healthy son.... a husband who loves me, a new part time job to help me use my brain and my degrees. I've never been in an accident where my face was burned, and while I am not physically at my best, I am still the same woman on the inside. I didn't get to eat food at my wedding reception and I wasn't miserable then!! Its not always about the food -- its usually really about the people that I am eating with. What is wrong with deciding to eat two bites of whatever I want, and let the rest go? I can taste the food, I just can't eat it with abandon. Misery is a CHOICE!!! I can fix my hair, put on make up, buy clothes that are in colors I like (even if I despise the size) and CHOOSE to believe making decisions today, for the next ten minutes even -- that is going to pay off ten weeks from now, ten months from now, ten years from now. Misery does love company, so does depression and all the negative emotions feed off each other. Choosing to NOT give in makes me healthier in more ways than one. "

Emotion: "What's the point in losing all this weight when I am planning to eventually get pregnant again? Why not go ahead and have all the kids, then lose all the weight once instead of losing, gaining, deliver baby, losing, gaining, etc...??"

Ration: "Healthier babies. Healthier me, which means I am a healthier mom. Healthier wife. Not to mention happier -- its worth it. And choosing to eat right, and regain my previous level of fitness means when I do get pregnant the next time I have a better chance of maybe avoiding the complications I had this time. I don't have hypertension now, I don't have diabetes, I don't have high cholesterol... I just have weight to lose. If I keep the weight and add to it, I run the risk of developing all of those -- and that would be a harder battle to wage than just losing weight. "

Emotion: "It doesn't feel like this is doing any good. Its too much work with too little results, and I am mentally tired of it."

Ration: "Life is work. I have the luxury of choosing which battles I am going to fight and this one is every bit as important as the ones I don't even debate. I clean my kitchen and bathrooms and those get dirty again.... I do laundry, I don't even consider NOT doing dishes... I brush my teeth and hair every day and never debate if personal hygiene is worth the effort.. The mental fatigue is not from the battle of doing the weight loss work -- the mental fatigue comes from considering whether or not to keep going. If I will just quit thinking that quitting is even an option, this would be SOO MUCH EASIER!!"

5 Reasons Why Its Good to have 100+ lbs to lose..

• You can burn more calories quicker than really skinny people -- after all it takes more energy to move!!
• You can appreciate the excitement that comes from little accomplishments that skinny folks take for granted - like being able to tie your shoes without getting winded..... and put your underwear on one leg at a time (as opposed to dropping them on the floor and stepping into them!)
• You can reinvent yourself as you lose the weight....its not really noticeable if the biggest weight fluctuation a person has is 4 or 6 pounds..
• Its much more impressive at the end of the road... No one ever says "hey I know a woman who lost THREE whole pounds!! She is at her goal weight and she did it in only 2 weeks!!"
• Its empowering. Once the weight is gone you have the boldness and courage to tackle other "huge" goals in your life - like finding work/ life balance, or cleaning out the basement, or changing the way you handle stress !!!

Passing Time

Today I went back to the ocean (er.. pool) and did 65 minutes of deep water running which supposedly burns an impressive 965 calories...

I have heard that running 1 mile in water equals 4 miles on land... and I know 10,000 steps on land equals one mile... I can say that by counting sets of 100 I easily "ran" 20,000 steps this morning in the pool..

I am trying to tell myself what I would tell anyone else in my situation. After starting my efforts on March 1, and losing 7 lbs I was devastated to see the scales go up this week by 3 lbs. There is always this gnawing temptation that its a losing battle (pun intended) and that I can only succeed at gaining, not losing. But the reality is, I was still a full 4 lbs lighter than when I started.... and for a nursing mom that's not a bad thing.

The bigger issue is mentally being convinced that the effort is worth it. I know today will pass whether or not I eat healthy, whether or not I chose to go back to bed after the 4:30 feeding... (and I do feel exhausted after choosing not to!)... And I don't want to be a year older wishing that I had made the little daily decisions differently.

One thing you can say for those numerous octogenarians who seem to be ever present in the pool in the early hours -- they are there. They may not all be in great shape, but the fact that they CAN get up, get out, and get in a pool to get active, well that says something in a day and age where too many folks are unable to even think about accomplishing such an act.

I may not be back to my prepregnancy body by the time my son walks but I hope to be a lot closer than where I am now... and I can only get there by making the daily decisions that help me pass the time while the time is passing.....