Self Talk Conversations..(and Arguments)

I have recently had some mental arguments where the emotional part of my brain is somehow overriding the rational part of my brain... I thought maybe writing out the conversation would be either helpful, or result in me being committed....that is committed to this effort.

Emotion: "Weight Watchers is just a way to SAY you are losing weight when really you just eat whatever you want, and you aren't going to lose, just play around with the same few pounds. Its a lot of work and mental anguish for nothing. You could count calories without paying them monthly and alternating between tracking every calorie and choosing to not think about any calories!"

Ration: "So there have been a few days when I didn't keep track. The only thing people are ever glad they quit is smoking. No one ever says ' Oh I wish I hadn't saved so much money, it wasn't worth the effort -- or I wish I had quit dieting a long time ago. I was so much happier when I weighed 80 lbs more and I hate being thin.." -- No one ever says that. Looking for results in the short term only short circuits motivation. A year from now, two years from now - even THREE years from now, no matter how slow the weight comes off, its still better than giving up and giving in."

Emotion: "Everyone else at this Y (gym) is in better shape than me. I am probably their motivation to keep going so they won't look like me. Its humiliating and embarrassing to be this big and this slow and this out of shape. It doesn't even feel like I am making any progress, or getting in shape. Its been a couple months and there really hasn't been any noticeable change. Doesn't doing laundry count as both weight lifting and aerobic workout?"

Ration: "Two months ago I couldn't run up and down the stairs without getting winded. Now I can. Two months ago, just doing 30 minutes of gentle water aerobics made me sore. Now I can lift weights, swim, do water jogging, and not even feel it the next day. Two months ago my heart and lungs were battling the effects of medically required bed rest -- now they are thanking me for slowly, gently, but consistently rebuilding endurance, strength, flexibility, and speed. No, the changes are NOT outward YET -- but if I quit now, they never will be noticed outward. If I keep going and keep showing up, maybe I'll go from being an inspiration for people to keep going to being an inspiration for people not to quit... (there IS a difference in those two -- the first is one of dread, and the second is of hope...) Two years from now I'll be faster and stronger and really really glad I didn't quit now."

Emotion: " I can't stand how I look. I don't like the way I am right now. I can't stand how my body feels, that it won't go the way it used to, won't perform what I ask it to do when I ask it to, as quickly as I want it to...It doesn't seem to matter when I do eat right and work out - there is no difference in how I look. I hate feeling deprived. Life is short. I don't want to not eat desserts when everyone else is... food is a predictable comfort, and one of the few easy ones to have. If I am going to look this bad at least I should be allowed to eat what I want... why look miserable, feel miserable and be miserable all at the same time?"

Ration: "I have a lot to be thankful for -- a beautiful and healthy son.... a husband who loves me, a new part time job to help me use my brain and my degrees. I've never been in an accident where my face was burned, and while I am not physically at my best, I am still the same woman on the inside. I didn't get to eat food at my wedding reception and I wasn't miserable then!! Its not always about the food -- its usually really about the people that I am eating with. What is wrong with deciding to eat two bites of whatever I want, and let the rest go? I can taste the food, I just can't eat it with abandon. Misery is a CHOICE!!! I can fix my hair, put on make up, buy clothes that are in colors I like (even if I despise the size) and CHOOSE to believe making decisions today, for the next ten minutes even -- that is going to pay off ten weeks from now, ten months from now, ten years from now. Misery does love company, so does depression and all the negative emotions feed off each other. Choosing to NOT give in makes me healthier in more ways than one. "

Emotion: "What's the point in losing all this weight when I am planning to eventually get pregnant again? Why not go ahead and have all the kids, then lose all the weight once instead of losing, gaining, deliver baby, losing, gaining, etc...??"

Ration: "Healthier babies. Healthier me, which means I am a healthier mom. Healthier wife. Not to mention happier -- its worth it. And choosing to eat right, and regain my previous level of fitness means when I do get pregnant the next time I have a better chance of maybe avoiding the complications I had this time. I don't have hypertension now, I don't have diabetes, I don't have high cholesterol... I just have weight to lose. If I keep the weight and add to it, I run the risk of developing all of those -- and that would be a harder battle to wage than just losing weight. "

Emotion: "It doesn't feel like this is doing any good. Its too much work with too little results, and I am mentally tired of it."

Ration: "Life is work. I have the luxury of choosing which battles I am going to fight and this one is every bit as important as the ones I don't even debate. I clean my kitchen and bathrooms and those get dirty again.... I do laundry, I don't even consider NOT doing dishes... I brush my teeth and hair every day and never debate if personal hygiene is worth the effort.. The mental fatigue is not from the battle of doing the weight loss work -- the mental fatigue comes from considering whether or not to keep going. If I will just quit thinking that quitting is even an option, this would be SOO MUCH EASIER!!"